Wednesday, June 20, 2012

One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

I often get asked about my favorite "drunk" stories.  Well, I have several.  So, I've decided to post 100 things I've done while drunk.  Here they are, in no particular order:

1.   Drove from Fresno, CA to Las Vegas, NV to play a few games of Craps.

2.   Drove from Clovis, CA to Ontario, CA for a conference.  I made it to the hotel but never made it to the conference. instead, I woke up the next day and drove home.

3.   Drove from Fresno to Santa Cruz to visit an old friend.  She wasn’t home when I got there, so I drank her liquor and stole some CDs.

4.   Smart-mouthed a cop who was writing me a fix-it ticket and wound up with a DUI.

5.   Created a private pub-crawl in San Francisco by figuring out what the theme for the bar was and drinking the booze most closely-related to the theme.

6.    After the theme bar pub-crawl (Number 5), drove from San Francisco to Freemont SUPER HAMMERED.  Puked in my own car.

7.    Accidently parked in a drive-thru lane at a fast food restaurant and couldn’t figure out why so many people were honking their horns.

8.    Was asked to emcee an event, but got so drunk that I was belligerent and ended up pissing off the entire crowd.

9.    Mixed-up color of chips in Vegas and spent $500 in two minutes.

10.   Told a guy in a bar that I owned a saw-sharpening business and set appointment for him to bring in his saws.

11.   Told a guy in a bar that I owned a transmission shop and set appointment for him to bring in his car.

12.   Decided to fuck the ugliest girl I could find.

13.   Fucked the ugliest girl I could find.

14.   Played craps at Bill’s Gambling Hall in Las Vegas and yelled "bloody cum bubble" until they asked me to leave.

15.   Hit golf balls from the grass at a local church into neighborhood at 3:00 A.M.

16.   Hit golf balls into freeway traffic.

17.   Got too drunk at Imperial Palace in Las Vegas and couldn’t follow Roulette. I thought they miss-paid me and complained until they showed me the video tape. They were right.

18.   Pissed my pants in San Diego.

19.   Lost car in Tijuana.

20.   Pissed in my friend’s mother’s iron.

21.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit off a roof.

22.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit off a high-dive, into a pool.

23.   Successfully convinced a fiend to shit in a barbeque.

24.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit down chimney.

25.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit in a microwave.

26.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit through a screen window.

27.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit in Tupperware bowls at a party.

28.   Threw Vice Presidential china off the balcony of a hotel.

29.   Got in a fight with a stripper because I was on my cell-phone while she was on stage and I wouldn’t pay attention to her.

30.   Fell asleep in bar restroom and woke up after closing time.

31.   House-sat for someone I did not know for an entire summer.

32.   Lost my rental car in the Venetian Hotel’s parking garage in Las Vegas.

33.   Broke everything in sight at a bar named Mr. Ed’s.

34.   Threw everything in hotel room out the window – not my hotel room.

35.   Got kicked out of bar for calling the owner’s girlfriend a cunt.

36.   Got kicked out of a bar for pissing on the bathroom wall.

37.   Got arrested for puking in the gutter in Old Town Sacramento.

38.   Stole soap dispenser from Frankie’s Tiki Lounge in Las Vegas.

39.   Quit job.

40.   Got hired for a job.

41.   Passed out in San Jose and woke up in Fresno – with my car still in San Jose.

42.   Got “asked to leave” three consecutive bars in Baltimore for breaking glassware.

43.   Berated a showgirl in Las Vegas until she slept with me.

44.   Pissed in an ice machine.

45.   Vomited in an ice machine.

46.   Shit in an ice machine.

47.   Had a barbeque and drank beer at the wrong house while nobody was home.

48.   Accidentally committed a hate crime.

49.   Pissed in a girl's purse.

50.   Convinced a stripper to piss off a balcony.

51.   Stole stripper’s money and redistributed to other guests so they would have more money to tip her with.

52.   Hit on girl I met at a bar and then found out we are related.

53.   “Babysat” a drunk stranger in Las Vegas.

54.   Threw a tree into a high school swimming pool.

55.   Re-Routed traffic on a very busy street so that all cars were forced to drive through a resident's front yard.

56.   Convinced all the patrons in a bar that I was the mayor of St. Louis.

57.   Got a garbage can stuck under the wheel of my mom's car.

58.   Accidentally stole a car.

59.   Passed out at one of my college professor's house.

60.   Convinced all the patrons of the Fog Cutter in San Francisco that I was the owner.

61.   Locked myself out of my hotel room. Naked.

62.   Thought it was a good idea to store a keg in a snow bank, but ended up freezing the tap.

63.   Charged a cover charge at a party where I was not a guest.

64.   In high school, I would go to friend’s parties while their parents were out of town and hide beer bottle caps in their mom’s shoes.

65.   Gave a guy a tattoo.

66.   Sat in the owner's seats at a St Louis Cardinals game.

67.   Mowed a friend’s lawn at 3:00 A.M.

68.   Lost my date in a bar.  I later found out she was passed out in the women’s room.

69.   Switched all the dog biscuits for cookies and cookies for dog biscuits at a party.

70.   Drove from Orange County to San Diego DRUNK.

71.   Invited bum to drink with me for happy hour.

72.   Got in fight with the band Faith No More.

73.   Stole a statue from the performing arts building at UC Santa Barbara.

74.   Stole the golden arches from the side of a McDonald’s.

75.   Pissed in John Wayne’s boot prints (and everyone else’s handprints) at Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood.

76.   Robbed a pizza guy.

77.   Drove to Sacramento to see a concert.

78.   Stole a keg of beer from a pizza parlor.

79.   Went to see the Amgen Tour of California and convinced everyone I met that my friend was Levi Leipheimer.

80.   Got robbed by a stripper in Las Vegas.

81.   Got robbed by a stripper in San Jose.

82.   Went backstage at an REM concert by telling security that I was delivering food.

83.   Drank every case of Guinness in Santa Cruz.

84.   Ruined a huge scoreboard in a high school gym.

85.   Blew off work and spent the day drinking with my boss in Monterey.

86.   Crashed a high school reunion.

87.   Forced to stay in bar and continue drinking due to robbery of a next-door grocery store.

88.   Wandered into a redneck bar and almost got my ass kicked.

89.   Wandered into dive bar and played pool with pimps.

90.   Froze the water (solid) in the toilet of a hotel room in Tahoe.

91.   Left a deposit on a car I wanted to purchase but couldn’t find its location when I came back to pick it up.

92.   Bought a “silver” necklace from a meth head and paid twice as much as he was asking, telling him “It’s not every day that you’re going to run into someone as drunk as I am.”

93.   Forgot I was on a date and left a bar with a different girl.

94.   Threw up over the side of a cruise ship only to “spray” all of the passengers on the deck below.

95.   Got charged $4 extra by a cabbie for “farting in cab.”

96.   Came up with the best advertising taglines.

97.   Came up with the worst advertising taglines.

98.   Joined an Elks lodge.

99.   Got up to sing karaoke but repeatedly farted into the microphone instead.

100.   Stole a fire extinguisher then drove around squirting prostitutes and homeless people.