Monday, July 30, 2012

Puke on the Paradise

Four years ago, my buddy Steve won a three-day cruise to Mexico and invited me to come along.  We were to depart from Long Beach, CA aboard the Carnival cruise ship Paradise of the Sea, arrive in Ensenada, Mexico on Saturday morning, and be back in Long Beach on Sunday.  Steve told me that one of the added features of the prize was that we were to receive unlimited drinks while on the ship.  So, it was our goal to drink more than the actual retail value of the cruise, which was about $375 each.

The ship took off at about 6:00 P.M. while all 2052 passengers and 920 crewmembers were poolside, on the Lido Deck, enjoying the Departure Celebration, a big shindig where everyone drinks fruity cocktails, wears leis and dances to a live band playing "Hot Hot Hot". By that time we were already halfway to Shitfacedville. As a matter of fact, we never even made it to the Departure party.  Instead, we found a nice quiet bar on the Promenade Deck where they served ice-cold Guinness and allowed smoking.  It was called the Rotterdam Bar and it became home base for the remainder of the trip.

Some time after 11:00 P.M., we decided that we should hit the late-night buffet and grab a piece of pizza, or a hot dog, or anything.  Just some sort of food.  We knew there was plenty more to drink and we didn't want to ruin a good time by getting sick.

As we were trying to find the buffet, we started talking with some older Armenian guys who were sitting at the back of the ship on a small deck that overlooks the Verandah Deck, where about four dozen couples were dancing under the stars and enjoying a romantic evening on the sea.  The Armenian guys had smuggled a bottle of Patron Silver onto the ship and were sneaking shots as they exchanged stories of their home county or whatever the fuck old Armenian guys talk about.  They offered us some of their Tequila and poured a shot for each of us into little paper cups.  We toasted, we drank, and I felt mine coming right back up.


I held up a finger - the international hand signal for "let me take this call," "I'll be right with you," or "I can't talk 'cause I'm getting ready to puke."  I excused myself and walked to the side of the ship, leaned my head over the railing and let loose.  Nothing but liquid, and lots of it.

It's funny, the things that you think about while barfing.  Like about the surface that you're throwing up on, or what kind of food is coming out of you, or about the noise that you're making.  At that moment I started thinking about the wind and how it was carrying my vomit down and toward the back of the ship.

Fuck. Fuck.

I turned my head just in time to watch four dozen couples get a puke shower, stop dancing, and look up at me.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I quickly wiped my mouth on my sleeve, walked back over to Steve and the Armenian Guys, Thanked them again for the delicious Patron and told Steve "We've got to go. NOW."

It was dark, and neither Steve, nor the Armenian guys saw exactly what happened.  They just thought I got sick and wanted to go back to our cabin.  It wasn't until we were safely away from the back of the ship that I told Steve what happened. I purchased a sweatshirt and ball cap from the gift shop and put them on as a disguise and we headed back to the Rotterdam Bar to finish a long night of drinking.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

The 25-Hour Work Week

This is a story of amazing stupidity.

Several years ago, I had a job selling restaurant equipment and supplies. It was a truly great job. I was paid a huge base salary plus commissions and bonuses. Most of my daily work was done outside of the office, visiting customers and drumming up new business, and it was very easy work; the company I worked for had no competition in the area.

There were four other salesmen that I worked with and they were all pretty good guys. As a matter of fact, during the two years that I worked there, the five of us became close friends. I think we all realized how easy we had it because we all started meeting up at about two in the afternoon for a few cocktails until it was time to go home.

We always went to the same place, a restaurant named The Riviera Grill and Bar. The bar was located in the front of the building and had a large window that looked out onto the parking lot. The bartender, Joseph, could see us coming and would have our drinks ready for us by the time we sat down. Steve always drank Gin & Tonic; Scott, Rum & Coke; Doug, Coors Light with a Tuaca back; Tim, Jack & Coke; and I always had an Absolut Greyhound.

Those were great times. We weren't tied to an office and there was no one breathing down our necks.

Our boss was a pretty good guy too. His name was Barry and as long as we did our job, he left us alone. And, since the five of us salesmen were putting in the same amount of energy and hours, Barry never had reason to suspect that we were only working about 25 hours a week, each. He had no reason to say "Jimmy, why are Doug's numbers always so high and the rest of yours so low?" We had it made. Work a little in the morning, then get drunk every afternoon. Now that's a job!

When the Christmas season rolled around, Barry told us all that he wanted to take us out for lunch and asked where we'd like to go. The Riviera. It was unanimous.

We all met in the parking lot and walked in together. And, what happened the minute we walked in the door? You guessed it. Joseph yelled across the room at us "Steve, Scott, Doug, Tim, Jimmy, you're two hours early. What's your friend having?" then, in horror, we looked at the bar and saw a Gin & Tonic, Rum & Coke, Coors Light, shot of Tuaca, Jack & Coke, and an Absolut Greyhound.


We were all let go during the first week of the new year.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

One Hundred Things I've Done While Drunk

I often get asked about my favorite "drunk" stories.  Well, I have several.  So, I've decided to post 100 things I've done while drunk.  Here they are, in no particular order:

1.   Drove from Fresno, CA to Las Vegas, NV to play a few games of Craps.

2.   Drove from Clovis, CA to Ontario, CA for a conference.  I made it to the hotel but never made it to the conference. instead, I woke up the next day and drove home.

3.   Drove from Fresno to Santa Cruz to visit an old friend.  She wasn’t home when I got there, so I drank her liquor and stole some CDs.

4.   Smart-mouthed a cop who was writing me a fix-it ticket and wound up with a DUI.

5.   Created a private pub-crawl in San Francisco by figuring out what the theme for the bar was and drinking the booze most closely-related to the theme.

6.    After the theme bar pub-crawl (Number 5), drove from San Francisco to Freemont SUPER HAMMERED.  Puked in my own car.

7.    Accidently parked in a drive-thru lane at a fast food restaurant and couldn’t figure out why so many people were honking their horns.

8.    Was asked to emcee an event, but got so drunk that I was belligerent and ended up pissing off the entire crowd.

9.    Mixed-up color of chips in Vegas and spent $500 in two minutes.

10.   Told a guy in a bar that I owned a saw-sharpening business and set appointment for him to bring in his saws.

11.   Told a guy in a bar that I owned a transmission shop and set appointment for him to bring in his car.

12.   Decided to fuck the ugliest girl I could find.

13.   Fucked the ugliest girl I could find.

14.   Played craps at Bill’s Gambling Hall in Las Vegas and yelled "bloody cum bubble" until they asked me to leave.

15.   Hit golf balls from the grass at a local church into neighborhood at 3:00 A.M.

16.   Hit golf balls into freeway traffic.

17.   Got too drunk at Imperial Palace in Las Vegas and couldn’t follow Roulette. I thought they miss-paid me and complained until they showed me the video tape. They were right.

18.   Pissed my pants in San Diego.

19.   Lost car in Tijuana.

20.   Pissed in my friend’s mother’s iron.

21.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit off a roof.

22.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit off a high-dive, into a pool.

23.   Successfully convinced a fiend to shit in a barbeque.

24.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit down chimney.

25.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit in a microwave.

26.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit through a screen window.

27.   Successfully convinced a friend to shit in Tupperware bowls at a party.

28.   Threw Vice Presidential china off the balcony of a hotel.

29.   Got in a fight with a stripper because I was on my cell-phone while she was on stage and I wouldn’t pay attention to her.

30.   Fell asleep in bar restroom and woke up after closing time.

31.   House-sat for someone I did not know for an entire summer.

32.   Lost my rental car in the Venetian Hotel’s parking garage in Las Vegas.

33.   Broke everything in sight at a bar named Mr. Ed’s.

34.   Threw everything in hotel room out the window – not my hotel room.

35.   Got kicked out of bar for calling the owner’s girlfriend a cunt.

36.   Got kicked out of a bar for pissing on the bathroom wall.

37.   Got arrested for puking in the gutter in Old Town Sacramento.

38.   Stole soap dispenser from Frankie’s Tiki Lounge in Las Vegas.

39.   Quit job.

40.   Got hired for a job.

41.   Passed out in San Jose and woke up in Fresno – with my car still in San Jose.

42.   Got “asked to leave” three consecutive bars in Baltimore for breaking glassware.

43.   Berated a showgirl in Las Vegas until she slept with me.

44.   Pissed in an ice machine.

45.   Vomited in an ice machine.

46.   Shit in an ice machine.

47.   Had a barbeque and drank beer at the wrong house while nobody was home.

48.   Accidentally committed a hate crime.

49.   Pissed in a girl's purse.

50.   Convinced a stripper to piss off a balcony.

51.   Stole stripper’s money and redistributed to other guests so they would have more money to tip her with.

52.   Hit on girl I met at a bar and then found out we are related.

53.   “Babysat” a drunk stranger in Las Vegas.

54.   Threw a tree into a high school swimming pool.

55.   Re-Routed traffic on a very busy street so that all cars were forced to drive through a resident's front yard.

56.   Convinced all the patrons in a bar that I was the mayor of St. Louis.

57.   Got a garbage can stuck under the wheel of my mom's car.

58.   Accidentally stole a car.

59.   Passed out at one of my college professor's house.

60.   Convinced all the patrons of the Fog Cutter in San Francisco that I was the owner.

61.   Locked myself out of my hotel room. Naked.

62.   Thought it was a good idea to store a keg in a snow bank, but ended up freezing the tap.

63.   Charged a cover charge at a party where I was not a guest.

64.   In high school, I would go to friend’s parties while their parents were out of town and hide beer bottle caps in their mom’s shoes.

65.   Gave a guy a tattoo.

66.   Sat in the owner's seats at a St Louis Cardinals game.

67.   Mowed a friend’s lawn at 3:00 A.M.

68.   Lost my date in a bar.  I later found out she was passed out in the women’s room.

69.   Switched all the dog biscuits for cookies and cookies for dog biscuits at a party.

70.   Drove from Orange County to San Diego DRUNK.

71.   Invited bum to drink with me for happy hour.

72.   Got in fight with the band Faith No More.

73.   Stole a statue from the performing arts building at UC Santa Barbara.

74.   Stole the golden arches from the side of a McDonald’s.

75.   Pissed in John Wayne’s boot prints (and everyone else’s handprints) at Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood.

76.   Robbed a pizza guy.

77.   Drove to Sacramento to see a concert.

78.   Stole a keg of beer from a pizza parlor.

79.   Went to see the Amgen Tour of California and convinced everyone I met that my friend was Levi Leipheimer.

80.   Got robbed by a stripper in Las Vegas.

81.   Got robbed by a stripper in San Jose.

82.   Went backstage at an REM concert by telling security that I was delivering food.

83.   Drank every case of Guinness in Santa Cruz.

84.   Ruined a huge scoreboard in a high school gym.

85.   Blew off work and spent the day drinking with my boss in Monterey.

86.   Crashed a high school reunion.

87.   Forced to stay in bar and continue drinking due to robbery of a next-door grocery store.

88.   Wandered into a redneck bar and almost got my ass kicked.

89.   Wandered into dive bar and played pool with pimps.

90.   Froze the water (solid) in the toilet of a hotel room in Tahoe.

91.   Left a deposit on a car I wanted to purchase but couldn’t find its location when I came back to pick it up.

92.   Bought a “silver” necklace from a meth head and paid twice as much as he was asking, telling him “It’s not every day that you’re going to run into someone as drunk as I am.”

93.   Forgot I was on a date and left a bar with a different girl.

94.   Threw up over the side of a cruise ship only to “spray” all of the passengers on the deck below.

95.   Got charged $4 extra by a cabbie for “farting in cab.”

96.   Came up with the best advertising taglines.

97.   Came up with the worst advertising taglines.

98.   Joined an Elks lodge.

99.   Got up to sing karaoke but repeatedly farted into the microphone instead.

100.   Stole a fire extinguisher then drove around squirting prostitutes and homeless people.